A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, ‘Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.’

The doctor continued, ‘Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For dinner make him a nutritious meal. For tea prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love to your husband several times a week.

If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.’

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. ‘What did the doctor say?’ To which his wife responded, ‘He said you’re going to die.’

A man walks gingerly into the office where he is met by a nurse with whom he speaks to.

“Err, nurse? Excuse me, this isn’t easy for me to say, but you have to promise you won’t laugh”.

“Well, sir, on my honour as a nurse and a lady, in my 20 years in this profession, I haven’t once laughed at a patient. I’ve seen all manners of shapes and sizes, you can trust that I shall remain professional and courteous”.

The man, satisfied with her response, dropped his trousers to around his knees, exposing the tiniest pe*nis the nurse had ever seen (no larger than a AAA battery), and with that, she couldn’t contain her laughter. Instantly and without warning she was rolling around on the floor, tears streaming down her face as she laughed. After about 5 minutes (possibly the longest 5 minutes of the man’s life) she finally managed to stand up and compose herself.

“I’m so terribly sorry sir. Please forgive me, that was wholly unprofessional. Now, what seems to be the issue”.

“It’s swollen…”